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October 26, 2008

LIFE IMITATES LOST.

Hi LOSTies,

A quick note:
The following is the only personal blog I've written. It was written after the many fans over at MySpace wanted to know more about me and my passion for the show LOST. So I had to decide if I could finally reveal a bit about me. The time seemed right, as I had just posted my episode clues notes for the episode S.O.S..
So its now posted here as well...

To see the original post and the many comments from fans and friends click here-
Life Imitates LOST
*This was originally posted at my blog at MySpace on September 21, 2007- Friday*

"When you're sick and you've got something inside you that doesn't belong there, you can feel it."- Rose LOST. 'S.O.S'

My obsession with Lost is also a connection. YES, I love this show for everything that it is and everything about it!
No doubt you've read through the little blurbs on my page. A pretty normal set of stats. I have much to be happy about and things to be proud of.  I'd been able to continue earning a living in entertainment while raising a family. I have many fantastic stories and memories that I hope to write down and share.

I am having an amazing time here on MySpace with all of you and LOST! It's so much fun. And fun is what it's all about, Right?!
Some of you have inquired about my LOSTNESS. I've been asked about my passion, where it comes from and why is it so intense. Bear with me and I will share a little bit of myself.

The following is not written here for anyone to feel bad for me or anything like that. This is not a pity party or a play for attention. I just felt the time was right to share my LOST story with you.

You already know me...Creative, imaginative, high energy, dreamer, passionate person by nature. I love to laugh and be silly. I am truthful and real. That's me. What you see is what you get!

2004.…What a year! Here in south Florida we had endured 2 major hurricanes. There was major damage to our brand new home, and a few weeks after that we lost one of our beloved pets. To quote John Locke "You're having a bad month."  No Shit!

Did you ever have a song or a movie reflect a moment of time in your life? That is LOST for me. I'll explain…

I was going along my life just fine. Raising a family, building a new home and working toward my goals as an actress and singer, then BAM!!……

LOST premieres in Sept 2004! WOW!! From the very first moment that show started I was hooked!! There was so much to draw you in. I managed to make sure that I did not miss one second of an episode, even though we had the damn hurricanes to mess with things. I knew this show was special, very special!
A few weeks after the hurricanes I was diagnosed with a rare cancer. Please forgive me for not divulging what kind of cancer; I would like to keep that part private. It was found by chance. A regular doctor visit sent up a red flag and then tests were run. Long story short, I was told that I did indeed have this rare cancer.  The Dr. went on to tell me that although he is looking at what appears to be a very healthy person on the outside, they would have to make me very sick to attack it. Treatments would be very aggressive and intense. Hey, no problem, that's me, aggressive and intense.

I would have Chemo five days a week on a constant 24 hours drip. Then add to that 25 radiation treatments. I had to be in the hospital for a couple weeks because of the chemo's intensity.

The weeks that I was in the hospital included the week of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It really sucked for my family. It broke my heart to put them through all that. I hated to see them suffer.

The Dr.'s kept their word about making me sick. I had no idea beforehand how bad this really was to be. Treatment made me very, very sick and terribly weak indeed. It SUCKED big time. I did lose my hair (But has since returned, as you see from recent pictures). I don't know how, but I went into this whole journey in a very positive frame of mind. I told myself that I would be strong, I would get through everything and come out the other side just fine. I held onto that for a longtime with the help of a great support system.
Then things got very scary...

My treatments left me more than just weak, it made me feel like...I was going to die. I know, hell of a statement for me to make, but that was my reality for a while. Let me explain...

I basically couldn't stay awake, think, reason, eat, drink, get out of bed or even turn over. At one point the Dr.'s wanted me returned to the hospital because I was too frail. I was a prisoner in my own body. It is frightening when you're laying there feeling blank; without anything going through your mind, no dreams, ideas, fantasies, memories, nothing. Then you realize for a second that your brain is actually having "a thought" but you physically can't move a muscle. You do feel dead but awake. That's the only way I can explain that part.

The only time I could make myself 'try' to stay lucid was when LOST was on.   I would force myself to stay awake by paying close attention to every moment, taking it all in. I tried to absorb every detail. This was a very hard thing for me to achieve, as there were many times that I couldn't stay awake for even a few minutes. The reason for watching so intensely is it helped me more than I can explain. I was able to escape my situation for at least 44 minutes (Or however long I could stay awake). Every time I had LOST on, I was on a beautiful island, with gorgeous people, in the middle of a wonderful mystery. I wanted to be there! That was my escape from my dark place, cancer. An escape that was only in my minds eye, imagination and heart. When I was watching LOST, I wasn't a sick person fighting anything. I was on the island with them! Does that make me crazy? No! LOST was the medicine I needed to make me happy and at peace.

Ok, this part is going to sound really messed up and make me sound even more weirder…But this is LOST and I'm Karen so it will all make sense. As the LOST story was unfolding, I was scared by how things in the show would literally state things that I was going through or feeling. Yes, I'll give examples. You all know I'm friggin' crazy like that. LOL!

I was living… Science VS Faith, Death, Redemption, Failure, Chance, Coincidence, Fate, Free will, Choice, Reality, Fantasy, Regret, Struggle, Pain, Suffering, Doubt, Hope, Purpose, Failure, Life, Destiny. I associated with so many of the characters and situations especially with Locke, Jack and Charlie.

Finding out you have cancer messes with your head and soul. I believe in Karma. I live an honest life as a good person. So if I was such a good person, why did this happen? Am I being punished for something? Maybe some people are just made to suffer. I thought I knew what my destiny was, what I was supposed to do and be...I guess I was wrong. Everything that I worked for in my pathetic little life was for nothing! Sound familiar?

I was LOST in every sense of the word. I don't know, maybe it's all part of the journey.
I was at one of my Dr's visits after ending treatment, and I was crying. I told the Dr., "I just want to go back to the way that I was, and they way things were!" The Dr. told me under no uncertain terms that "You can never go back." WTF? Are you serious? See what I mean? Hmmm?

When you go through something like this, it makes you think about life and death, purpose and destiny. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my situation. I can't help but think about what my purpose and destiny is. I know all too well how you can be going about your life, living, doing, trying to be all you can be and in one moment it all changes. I don't want to look back at my life with regret. I don't want to fail.

I am in awe of the survivors that come out of their journey changed! They go after what they want. They really LIVE life! I've seen them pursue and achieve their dreams and goals. They are an inspiration to me.

I realized much later that the Dr. telling me you can never go back to the way I was is true. I can't. I hope to be a better version of the Karen I was before I got sick. I have dreams and desires and I want to see them realized. I will move forward!

Now, I'm back, I'm ME! As of today I am well. I am in remission, YEAH!!
How fucked up is this? ... I was diagnosed when Lost began and I will not get a complete bill of heath until, guess when...When LOST has its series finale. How's that for coincidence?!

My birthday is in a couple of days. Yay, another birthday! I will take a few minutes by myself, put on my mp3 player with the LOST soundtrack, and sit outside in the Florida sun...Imagining I am on that island and reflecting on my journey to this point.

I truly hope that one day I can travel to the island/Hawaii so I can find some sort of peace and closure to this particular journey. My own personal WALKABOUT. For me to have things come full circle would be awesome. It is something that I need to do. That island, those characters and that story is what got me through the darkest time of my life, and that's the truth!

Here in MySpace-Land, I have connected with many people involved with LOST. That has been amazing! Being an active participant in the show is so much fun for me. I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!! Think about it...Lost brought us all together. How Awesome is that?!!!

So LOST fans, there it is. A little bit of my LOSTNESS revealed. I'm really not weird, crazy or insane. I LOVE sharing all things LOST with you. You are all part of my journey now.

I appreciate you accepting my obsession. It's part of me, just as it's part of you. And thank you for making all of this fun and exciting. Just know that LOST makes me very happy!!!!

Hey, if I end up being totally wrong about the clues and theories, I can always blame it on Chemo Brain. Hehehehe!

As far as I'm concerned, I kicked cancers ass!

I am Karen. I am your friend. I am an Obsessed LOST fan, and I am a cancer survivor.

I want to leave you with this...
..."Laughter is timeless. Imagination has no age. And dreams are forever."- Walt Disney

Love to all who are "LOST"™

Smiles, Hugs, Much love and Appreciation,
~Karen~

2 comments:

  1. I didn't know that, Karen! I have even more respect for you now, if it's possible!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I got goosebumps, and I cried, I know that I am glad that you are part of my life, and even though we have never met in person, I will always hope that good health and old age finds you well!

    YEAH FOR SEASON 6!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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